TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ABUSE
Tonight, I suffered a severe anxiety and panic attack… There were no warnings. Here's my story. I grew up in a home that was very poor, and a mother with severe anxiety. At age 3 my parents divorced and at age 4, I was molested. In school, I badly bullied for being morbidly obese to the point where I thought suicide was my only way out. By age 18 I reached 440lbs and at age 21... my mother died. This left me with no parents and a deaf brother to watch over.
The same year she died, I was raped. The guy got away with it because I was too ashamed to call the police. I believed it was my fault for being there…I curled up in a fetal position and just laid there crying all night. I had no one to comfort me. The next day I went to work, but I couldn't work... I opened to my boss as to what happened to me the night prior and her response was "well you shouldn't have been there".
For 8 years I refused to be in an intimate relationship with a man out of fear. Instead I felt women were safer.
Now at age 31, I was diagnosed with Generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, Triggered OCD, and body dysmorphia. Every day is torture... I am ashamed of my past, I am ashamed of my mental illnesses. It's easier to pretend everything is fine in front of people rather than explain your complexity.
So why after all these years am I coming out? Because I'm extremely exhausted keeping everything in. Because I'm tired of people labelling me as a "bitch with an attitude problem" when all I'm trying to do is process things going on around me. I'm not a victim, I don't want a pity party, damn it, I'm a survivor.